Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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