Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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