my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
