listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
