I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
