haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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