ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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