i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
