I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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