You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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