She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
