Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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