my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I love you. Go after that dick
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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