I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
