Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
