I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
