i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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