I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
