I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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