Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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