Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
