3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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