Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
