hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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