My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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