I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
