Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
