And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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