we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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