so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
