if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
