I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
