i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I would fuck him just for his dog
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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