I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
