2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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