Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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