On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
