Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
there's paper in my vomit.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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