Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
