i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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