I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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