ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
