why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
