You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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