shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
