he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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