shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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