What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
