my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
