At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
try to milk me bitch
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