i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
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saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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