Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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