Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
