I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
