I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
