Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
