My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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