When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT