I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
