Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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