What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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